30 things I've learned at thirty (and why the turning thirty dread can get in the bin)
Tomorrow I will turn thirty years old. Normally in the run up to my birthday, I start to feel a sort of glow - I hear from loved ones more and I'm excited to be one step closer to spring. While I feel that this year too, I have also been experiencing a quiet sense of dread in the lead up to entering a new decade. Not because I’m anxious about turning the age thirty, but because I feel like I should be anxious about turning thirty and not having much of the Life BingoTM checklist ticked off. After all, as a single, childless woman renting in a room in a shared house - how can I have the audacity to not feel like I'm failing?
If you think about it, the idea that we should have reached particular life milestones by a certain age (especially when they are often out of our control) is pretty ridiculous. Even if I did have all of the things we’re told we should have by thirty - marriage, kids, a house, a ‘perfect’ job - what would I have to look forward to for the rest of my life? Perhaps I might take those things for granted if I thought they were a box to tick rather than something that came to me at the right time (or at all).
I think part of the anxiety we can feel in our late twenties comes from a deeply harmful rhetoric that your ‘best years’ are from your teens to late-twenties, the decade where you apparently figure yourself out like a formula - and BOOM, you hit thirty and a wise yoda-like figure sombrely nods his head as you pass the threshold into full adulting (I'm not going to lie though, if that happens tomorrow that would be a-mazing).
Even though I'm not worried that I haven't met the right person to share my life with, or have my own house or a business, I've still been feeling a niggling feeling in my chest that I haven’t at least created an 'ideal' life for myself - not a surprising fear when there is now so much content out there focusing on 'optimising' your life and an economic system based on people's desire to buy stuff to 'fix' themselves.
It almost becomes an act of defiance to accept yourself, and your life as they are, and realise that nothing needs to be fixed. If I look back on my twenties, I wouldn’t want to re-live them again - but I am grateful for the lessons I learnt along the way (even if many were learned the hard way).
So I thought it would be interesting to write down some of the lessons I've learnt over the last decade, things that I couldn't have articulated (though wish I could have understood) in my teens and early twenties.
Here goes, 30 things I learnt before turning thirty:
You don't need to drink alcohol to be interesting.
You probably don't need to apologise most of the times that you do.
Young women can (and should) travel on their own at least once in their lifetime.
Put away maps on your phone now and again - your sense of direction is better than you think (but it's also okay to get lost).
As you get older (at least in my experience), you learn to like yourself and your own company better.
Being alone is only fun when it’s a choice - but it is better to be lonely than being around the wrong people.
True self-care is not about lighting candles and painting your nails - it’s about giving yourself what you truly need (alone time, rest, boundaries, peace).
As women we're raised to hyperfocus on our (and each other's) bodies, but our appearances are literally the least interesting thing about us. Don't get distracted from the things that really matter.
Losing trust in other people is difficult, but losing trust in yourself is worse (start there first).
Even when your intentions are good, sometimes you will hurt people. And that doesn't make you a bad person.
Romantic love is not the only, or even most important kind of love. You can love friends, family members, pets - it is infinite and yours to express.
In any kind of relationship, pay most attention to how a person makes you feel about yourself (rather than the qualities or traits you perceive in them).
You may never find closure from the people you think you need it from. If you hold onto anger, resentment, fear - you give them permission to control you. The best thing you can offer them is your indifference.
Boundaries are essential for good relationships - your needs are as important as anyone else's.
Communicating your needs is not selfish, it's a cliche but genuinely honest communication underpins any healthy relationship.
You will not change anyone who does not want to change.
Most people are pretty decent and pleasant in real-life - social media can distort our idea of how much good there still is in humanity.
Be careful of identities - humans are nuanced and cannot be placed into neat boxes based on their appearance, lifestyles choices or opinions. There is no such thing as moral purity.
Giving space for people to talk freely and without judgement is one of the kindest things you can do for someone.
Most of how people communicate is a projection of how they feel about themselves - try to find the compassionate view.
Don't look for answers everywhere else other than your own mind - it will tell you what you need if you are willing to listen.
When you're low, it can feel like huge changes need to happen to feel better. Often though, you only need to see the dial shift a little bit. Start small.
Your mindset determines almost everything - allow yourself to believe that things have the possibility of getting better.
The thoughts in your mind may feel real, especially the painful ones, but they are just thoughts. If you can observe the thoughts in your mind, then by definition you are the observer (a person) and not the thought (an abstract creation your mind made up).
Identify what you're in control of and focus on that - try to let go of things that are not within your control.
You will never regret spending less time on social media.
Try not to be hard on yourself for finding it hard to let go - of relationships, expectations, perfectionism. We are raised this way and these things take time to unravel.
No-one has all the answers - be wary of people who say they do. Prioritise curiosity over certainty.
You are allowed to change your mind. About anything, or anyone.
Don’t try to fix yourself or anyone else - there is no formula or secret for solving the game of life (and now where would be the fun if there was?).
Seeing how far I've come in the last ten years is why it in no way excites me to tick off someone else's arbitrary checklist of what to aim for. I'm far more excited to better understand myself at thirty, forty, and fifty, and (I hope) beyond. And if I can slowly figure out the world in that time too, then that's a bonus.
What else would you add to the list? Let me know in the comments below!
Until next time x